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Getting Curious about Friendships


Reciprocity is similar to a game of tennis or ping pong. There’s a rhythm or a flow of a back and forth exchange. When someone reciprocates our efforts, it can leave us feeling validated in our choices and friendship, energized to keep going in this friendship or relationship and give more, and leaves us with this overall sense that we are valued and appreciated. Meaningful friendships as well as romantic relationships require investment, and reciprocity can be the gauge of whether or not the investment is worth it. Often when clients are challenged to assess the “give and take” in their relationships, a common complaint is they feel guilty and selfish for exploring how their relationships benefit them. Assessing reciprocity is NOT about “tit for tat,” it IS about taking an honest look at the dynamics in your relationships and assessing the investment on each side. When clients feel tired, alone, burned out, overwhelmed, one thing we look at is the strength of their support system. Where in your relationships do you feel fulfilled? Where you each get your needs met in a relationship may be different, and that’s common. However, if you’re unable to identify exactly what you’ve invested in and if/how you get something out of the relationship, then this may be a friendship you may want to reconsider. -Do you receive emotional support from this person? Encouragement? -Is she/he there at a moment's notice when you’re in need? -Do you feel you can be completely honest with this person, even if it poses potential conflict? -Does this person serve as inspiration? Either through words or action? -Do you feel (more often than not) that this person has your best interest at heart? Realistically, reciprocity between two people may not always have a constant and even flow. Depending on people’s life circumstances, they may not be able to give as much as they are receiving from you. Maybe they just had their first child, or they lost a parent, or they just went through a significant move. However, this is where the concept of investment comes in. Do you feel the two of you have invested enough in the relationship in the past that you have a strong enough foundation to be more of the giver during this time? The most important question to ask yourself in such a situation is, do you believe your friend would do the same for you? Would he/she sacrifice her needs and be the friend you need during this time? If your answer is yes, then you know you have a strong enough friendship that it can survive temporary inconsistent reciprocity. However, if your answer is no, then what is it that keeps you in this friendship? What is your motivation to continue this relationship? After you’ve assessed, explored, and identified that one or more of your relationships is not reciprocal, now what? It is up to you to decide if you want to cut ties completely, confront your friend about the unbalance and how you feel about it, or you can decrease the amount of energy and effort you put into this relationship and simply prioritize this friendship less. Perhaps, there is still something in this relationship you feel is rewarding to you, and you don’t want to let go completely, but you are willing to let go slightly. That’s okay. Not every relationship will have the same level of closeness, connection, and time and energy spent. We have many relationships that fill different needs at different times. Your time is valuable, and so is what you bring to your relationships. It’s okay to be selective in how and who you spend your time with. As we get older, there is a need to carve out personal time, and less overall time to spend with friends. So when that opportunity is there, it’s important that the relationships deserve it. Not every relationship will be worth it, and not every relationship is meant to last forever. Certain relationships are meant to fill a specific purpose and time in your life, a season. We all need people in our life who contribute to our growth in some way. Whether it’s simply by being supportive in a time of need, or someone who challenges us to expand our way of thinking, regardless of what it is, it’s important and healthy to have people around you that help you thrive and grow. When we allow people in who do not add to our life in any way, or simply take without giving back, we are susceptible to stagnation, burnout, or even a poor sense of self. To really take inventory of the quality of your friendships means we value ourselves enough, and we have the courage to create space for the kinds of relationships that fill our cups.

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